22/2/00.....high? no. drunk? no.
- Well i haven't broken my new resolution yet...that is, no more alcohol until my birthday. It's not easy, but at least i know why i'm doing it. A temporary loss of control and fewer inhibitions are not worth the inevitable consequences. In my case, doing things i regret, waking up tired/hungover, and the constnt craving that eats at my mind. I think i'm beginning to understand how smokers feel....having a want, a *need* for alcohol 24/7 is really hard to ignore. It's not like i constantly think about it, in fact, there are times when it couldn't be further from my mind. But when someone *does* bring up the subject of drinking...well, this desperate hunger rises up in my body, and i begin to get sad. That's the strange part: drinking makes me sad, so to counteract that, i drink more. When i get upset, i slam down vodka doubles like water. If only this kind of escape weren't slowly killing me, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
20/2/00.....high? no. drunk? no.
- This would be the first time in a week that i haven't been drunk or high....not by choice, but then, it doesn't really matter. I'm trying very hard to relearn how to deal with reality, if only just for tonight. It's strange, most people wouldn't consider that a skill....but it's definitely one i have yet to master. I think, secretly, all of us are looking for an escape, even if it's temporary; a way to forget about all the complications introduced by life's many variables.
- And so i find myself thinking about the meaning of life. To exist on a molten ball of rock hurtling through space at unimaginable speeds....or not. Maybe death is just another plane of existence. A chance to start over. But i guess we'll never know. Death as another form of escape is all too common these days...it's like the universe is heaving one big sigh and finally letting itself drift into oblivion. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.