The Mysteries Of Life
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
7. If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of a forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid they'll clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
16. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on drive through bank machines?
20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that little yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be inotxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Men are from earth, women are from earth....deal with it.
31. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day.
32. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on wednesdays?
33. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
34. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
35. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
36. If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to do it as well?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still number 2?
38. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
39. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
40. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
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