That's right, for all you gutterminds out there, here's a dirty joke page to be reckoned with....my sense of humor has been described as sarcastic and warped, which I'm quite proud of. See if what I have lives up to your expectations......;)
Click Me!
You can also read Comparative Religions 101, a funny look at theism;) Or, read some of the Mysteries of Life.....trust me, you'll never look at things the same way again;P
"Sex is like air - it's not important unless you're not getting any."
"To understand a man you must walk a mile in his shoes. If you're still bothered by what he says it won't matter, because you will be a mile away and have his shoes."
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasoreass
How do you shag a sheep?
Against a cliff so they push back harder.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
What do eskimos get from sitting on ice too long?
Polaroids.
How do crazy people get through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Pick-up lines:
When do you get off, and how?
Is that shirt felt? Would you like it to be?
That looks very becoming on you....of course, if I was on you, I'd be coming too.
You've got 207 bones in your body...want another?
The word of the day is 'legs'. Now let's go back to my house and spread the word.
Put-down lines:
(My house or yours, babe?) Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
(C'mon, let's go back to my place for coffee.) I dunno. Can two of us fit under a rock?
Stuff and nonsense:
If major corporations started their own condom lines:
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Enjoy the ride.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Caltrate Condoms: Builds good bones.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
George Carlin's Pet Peeves:
1. People who point to their wrist when asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy!! Do I point to my crotch when asking where the bathroom is?!
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the remote because they don't want to get up and change the channels anyway! Isn't that a contradiction or an oxymoron or something?
3. When people say 'Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too.' Blow me!! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't eat it?? What should I do, eat someone else's cake??
4. When people say 'It's always in the last place you look.' Well, no shit!! Why the fuck would you keep looking for something you've already found?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they??
5. When people say, while watching a movie in the theatre, 'Did you see that?!' No dickhead, I paid 8 bucks to come in here and stare at the goddamn ceiling. What are you here for??
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you question?' Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
7. When a cop pulls you over and asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know buddy......you're the one that pulled me over!!
8. The pillsbury Doughboy is surprisingly happy, considering he has no dick.
9. The radio ad: 'Hi, I'm Jeff Healy, from the Jeff Healy Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr.Healy, you're blind for fuck's sake!
Just jokes:
Two hookers are standing on a street corner, talking about the day. One turns to the other and says, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock on the air. The other looks at her and says, no, I just burped.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders blood, the sceond one orders blood, and the third one orders a mug of hot water. Puzzled, the bartender turns to the last one, and asks 'Why didn't you order blood?' The vampire holds up a tampon and replies, 'I'm making tea'.
One day a guy sees this gorgeous chick walking with a total shlep. He turns to the barkeep and says 'What's with that?' Barkeep says she's a prostitute, and the guy is amazed that he can get with a girl like that. So, later on he approaches her and says 'So, what do you charge?' She replies, 'A handjob is $100.' The guy freaks. 'What?' She points to the door, 'See that ferrari outside? it was paid for with handjobs.....trust me, it's worth it.' So the gy pays up, and has one of the single most pleasureable sexual experiences of his life. Next day, he asks her, 'How much a blowjob?' She replies, '$500' Again, 'What?' She points to a building outside, 'You see that apartment block? That building was paid for with blowjobs....trust me, it's worth it.' Again, the guy pays up, and he nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure. Next day, he approaches her again. 'How much for pussy?' She points to an island outside. 'See that island?' The guy is flabbergasted. 'No way!' 'Yup,' she continues, 'If I had pussy, I'd own Manhattan.'
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
How do homosexuals get on the internet?
C:enter.
How do you know if your boyfriend's sperm count is too high?
You have to chew before you swallow.
You might be a redneck if.......you think a menstrual cycle has three wheels.
Bumper stickers:
Consciousness: that annoying period between naps.
Dain bramaged.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
100 000 sperm, and *YOU* were the fastest??
JESUS SAVES....he passes it to Gretzky.....Gretzky shoots...he scores!!
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